January 4, 2011

no more mr. nice guy

my posts are predominately intended for the female population, but guys, this post is just for you. i recently received my first blog post request. surprisingly it was from a number of guys, all unaware of each other, who were wondering why we girls tend to date mean, jerky guys and give the nice guys that we've been "praying for" the shaft. they all share the same frustration of striving to be kind men of GOD who will make the best husbands and fathers, and they don't understand why they aren't receiving those opportunities. they even wonder if they should give up being a nice guy all together and start being mean and rude to get our attention. so after much thought, i'm going to try to explain why we girls do some of the things we do and how the world would we be a sad place if there were no more mr. nice guy.

i will be the first to admit that we women are confusing and irrational creatures. when a guy is dating 3 girls at a time, we call him a player as he's playing the field. when a girl is dating 3 guys at a time, we call her smart as she's keeping her options open. when a guy tells a girl that he's not interested in dating anyone and then starts dating someone else a week later, it's called lying. when a girl tells a guy that she's not interested in dating anyone and then starts dating someone else a week later, it's called changing her mind. you can't do right, and we are never wrong. and we pretend that we are rational, level-headed beings, knowing exactly what we want, when in reality we are just as clueless as you.

we tend to group guys into 2 categories: the jerk and the mr. nice guy. with the jerk, we never quite know where we stand. we never are quite sure if when he asks us out he's not also asking 2 other girls out at the same time. when he puts us down or makes fun of our jokes, instead of saying, "forget you," we start wondering how we can be better or how we could be funnier. it's a mystery. it's a challenge. and we never know if today or tomorrow will be the last.

and you, poor mr. nice guy, get to listen to all our complaints. we tell you all our boy problems and how the guys we're dating don't treat us the way we deserve to be treated. and the whole time you're taking it all in, thinking: "well, if we dated i'd know how to treat you. i wouldn't do any of those things. i'd know exactly what you deserve." and then finally we get the nerve to break it off with that guy, and you finally get the nerve to ask us out. and we say...no.

we tell you: "well, i'm really just not in any condition to date anyone right now." or "you're such a sweet friend, and because i treasure our friendship sooo much, i'd hate to ruin it." or "well, let's start by staying friends for a really long time and just see what happens." or we just flat out say, "i'm just not attracted to you like that."

but the truth is, we're just scared. we're just as scared as you are. it is a misconception that we're all ready to get married and to start families. we may want that eventually, but we, like you, don't want to feel too much pressure leading us in that direction. we might actually be really attracted to you, but the intensity and pressure we feel makes us not even want to think about it. we date the wrong guys for the same reason you date the wrong girls. with a wrong guy we know that most likely things are going to end and that we'll always have a legitimate reason for breaking it off. but with a nice guy we know that most likely things are going to work and that we might have no way of getting out of it, and that is an overwhelming thought.

we realize as you pick us up for a date, always right on time, and drop us off, sneaking us a handwritten note you wrote, that this might be it. this might be it. this might be IT! and then the panic sets in. is this it? is this the it we've been waiting for and praying for our whole lives? and while you guys are concerned with the concept of just one, we girls are concerned with the concept of the one.

we end a phone conversation with a jerk by hanging up on him and throwing the phone across the room. but we end a conversation with you by hearing that we're beautiful and that we're guaranteed to hear from you tomorrow. and that's yet another day. and seven of those make another week. and a clock, inaudible to the rest of the world, ticks in our heads making us wonder how much time we have left to determine if you're really it.

and all of this makes you, mr. nice guy, question if you should even exist. if we girls keep going out with jerks, what's the point in being nice? hear me now, don't sell yourself short. no more mr. nice guy would mean no more hope. the truth is every girl wants to end up with a nice guy, just as a guy despite dating a string of floozies wants to end up with a good girl. and after every wrong guy we date, we appreciate the importance of trust and honesty and the qualities of a good guy more and more. it's true that some girls never learn, but for the majority of us, dating a jerk is completely exhausting and we eventually start seeking a relationship that will truly make us smile.

so what can you do to win our hearts?
the secret is to trick us. blindside us. run as if it's a marathon, not a sprint, and pace out your strategy in a way that won't scare us. come in slowly for a sneak attack, assuming the position of a friend, and catch us totally unprepared so that we don't have time to raise our walls and put up our guards.

timing is everything. if you tell us on our wedding day that you called your mom after the first date thinking you had found your wife, we'll think it's the most adorable thing we've ever heard. but if you do so on the second date, we will spray you with mace. slow down. you may think we're the best thing since your mom's sweet tea, but let us know that over time.

don't play games, but also don't show us all your cards at the same time. we actually enjoy mystery as much as you do. it's the not knowing that ultimately drives us crazy and leads us to being crazy about you. wait to show your hand, and play the ace of spades when we aren't even aware you have it.

be confident. the turn on of a jerk is that he is confident to the point of cockiness. and it's hard not to agree with someone who thinks he's a complete catch. more than anything, show yourself self respect. don't let us win all the time or have our way. don't be a pushover. make us respect and admire you by respecting yourself.

don't try too hard. don't try to sneak in all the qualities that make you so great into conversation, but let us have to uncover them on our own. just as you don't like girls who practically give you a verbal resume describing just how wonderful they are, neither do we want you trying too hard to impress or convince us. just be yourself and be kind, and we will see all of your wonderful qualities unfold before our eyes if we're smart enough to look.

and ultimately, ask us out and keep asking. if you don't ask, we're not going to feel sorry when someone else snatches us up. and if you continue to go after bad or cheap girls, we're not going to feel sorry for you when you end up with one. but if getting a date with us feels like a lost cause, try anyway. and try again. and again. all of our bad experiences might be happening simply to send us straight into your arms. if you choose to be obnoxious about it, please go about it in a charming way. but ultimately don't be afraid to try.

and whatever you do, please don't let there ever come a day when there's no more mr. nice guy.

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